What Children Really Desire, Require and Inquire: A Hand Book For Parents

They have been called a bundle of joy, the treasure in our lives, the soul of a home, an extension of the family tree, the longevity of humanity and so many other catch phrases that may best describe a child and what they may mean to their parents. Broadly speaking, children are considered as precious not just because of the creative phenomenon involved in their coming about but simply because the majority of parents desired to have them so went on to create them in love and copulation.

Recently I was speaking to a couple of parents and children alike about parenting and how we can get the best out of what we have in our various households while improving the relationship that already exists between parents and children. Parents were eager to know how they could improve or develop a bond with their children that would serve as a profound communication channel which is capable of providing resolve to a broad range of challenges that families go through on a daily basis.

Ideally, parents are concerned about the welfare of their children and want the absolute best for them. For a young toddler, most parents often have it figured out, give the child love, be excited about the efforts that they are constantly making, be goofy and be amused by the gestures and sometimes quirkiness of the child, overwhelm them with attention and praise, allow them get away with almost anything and the day will be without a yelling or disgruntled child. It sounds quite practical and simple as there isn't any handbook that comes with being a parent. It's a sort of learn-as-you-go process and applying anything that happens to work. Soon your tot becomes a youngster, the same strategy outlined is still applied only this time it's more refined as the child is becoming aware and developing intelligence that is likened to those of their parent. The hugs and kisses are rationed in the homes of many families and soon it becomes a routine. Next the child becomes a teenager, peer pressure, interdependence and the challenges of life becomes more real. This time many parents become so used to their children that they aren't noticing the mood variations, the mental development, the stresses of being a teenager which may be the hardest stage of the human development as study shows. Parents become so used to their children that they forget that once upon a time, they too were teenagers and life at the time seemed to be the toughest phase of their human and personal development.

The approval ratings of parents regarding their youngsters are pretty high, most of the time, the child between age 2-10 does no wrong. Then suddenly as a teenager who has an increased workload at school, peer pressure, self-esteem concerns, puberty surprises, body transformations that may sometimes take its toll on a child begins to appear. Some teenagers are bullied at school and in this high-tech overridden generation, young people especially youngsters and teens between the ages of 12-19 and also young adults between the ages of 20-25 sometimes go through this phase for a really long time. A teenager named Mark age 15, when asked about his relationship with his parents said it was good then he continued "once upon a time, it seems like just yesterday, my parents and I would play house especially at weekends. It was the most fun thing in the world to me. I loved playing with with my parents and brother. It just filled me with so much joy. My father would swing me up in the air and hug me so tightly, my mum would always say that she loves me and ofcourse my dad. I loved them so much and even liked them. We would discuss almost anything except when it had to do with my parents job. When I got into high school, it seemed as though my parents suddenly distanced themselves emotionally. We still had fun occasionally but it was different. My dad barely touched me. I mean this was a man who used to hug and kiss me every time and my mum, she just gives this quickie hug that doesn't really feel like a hug. They gradually stopped reading me bed time stories and it seemed everything suddenly changed. Sometimes I got moody at school and my classmates would tease me about my appearance or something. Overtime it just bottled up inside me. I paid less attention at school because I was worried about getting picked on. I began to shield my emotions by acting tough. Unfortunately I sometimes took the attitude back home and took it out on my mum and sometimes my dad. All I really wanted was to scream loudly and ask them what had happened to them, why they didn't hug me or kiss me anymore? why they wouldn't come to my room and read me bedtime stories? why they wouldn't look me in the eye and tell me that they loved me even though they knew I might be having a tough time at school and my grades, that they were there for me, they were on my side. I thought all these things over and over. I mean, I've never been a teenager, never been to junior high school but I suppose my parents have. It would have helped a tad had they told me that school might be tough, I wanted to hear it so badly from my dad. All they cared about were my grades, well my grades were suffering too because I was. It's not so easy like parents might think. I just wish my parents would tell me that it's okay to cry, that sometimes it's alright. My father once came into my room one evening and I thought he was going to read me a story, I was so relieved that finally I might confide in him but instead, he told me he guessed that I might be having a tough time at school, he told me it was part of life and I should be tough and everything would be okay. He squeezed my shoulders and walked out of my room. My heart felt like it was loosing air, I felt my insides squeezing because today a guy had punched me so hard in the back that I couldn't do anything because I felt so much pain and fear, he said if I told anyone then he would tell the entire school that I was a pervert and make sure the story is developed over time that even in senior high, people will remember. How was I suppose to tell my father that? When he thinks I should be tough? Of course he would say that I was being a sissy like some guys in school have called me, how would I tell him that I'm afraid to open my locker in the hall way because of what I may find in there? Or tell my tough dad that some guys locked my friend Kris in the bathroom, made him take off his pants and took a photo of him exposed barely in his underwear and threatened to send it to everyone in the school if he didn't give them his lunch money. How was I supposed to say all this to a man who thinks I'm not being tough enough? How am I supposed to do it? I went to bed that night feeling very alone and sad. I felt unloved even if part of me knew that I was. It was really difficult to think otherwise especially knowing I was on my own. I wept, I didn't care about being tough, I just cried and was filled with anger."

Hearing Mark's story some might think that it's exaggerated until you hear MaryAnn's account. When asked what her relationship with her parent's were like, she just smiled and shook her head. "We don't have a relationship" she said, I asked her if she could share some of her experiences that may help me understand the context of her statement. It was a bit puzzling because she looked well taken care of. MaryAnn added "when people see me, they think I'm lucky because I live in this big house and wear nice clothes that all is well. As an only child, growing up, I was my parents sweet heart, I couldn't go wrong with my parents. My dad was pretty busy but when home he would devote his time to me. I felt very special. All was good till I turned thirteen. It felt as though my parents had crested me with adulthood all of a sudden, I had no clue about boys, even girls and what I should do when I went on a date as all my classmates in junior high were talking about this. I wanted to talk to my mum about it and was angling for an opportunity. That day at school a guy grabbed the bottom of one of my classmates Angie and she was terrified to tell anyone. She only told me because I was in the bathroom with her and she was so upset and later confided in me. She told me that she was at a party last weekend and some guys had given her some alcohol, she drank because she desperately wanted to be liked by one of the guys she had a crush on. Well she said she had sex with one of the guys in the bathroom because he had told her that he loved her and now he's told his friends and that's the reason for the disrespect. I persuaded Angie not to put up with it but she was terrified that the whole school would know and when she tried to talk to her mother about it her mother told her that she was being rude by raising such a topic for conversation at 14 and that it was only indecent girls who were interested in the subject matter of sex and besides that's why she went to school and would be taught there probably in Biology lessons. I was a little dismayed by Angie's conversation with her mother. Well I got home and tried to talk to my mum about the subject but she brushed it off and said that it was too early to discuss such and besides good girls shouldn't be concerned about such a topic. She gave me this look that made me feel unclean. I was so embarassed about raising the subject that I didn't tell her anything regarding Angie's misfortune. Soon I realised that my mother wouldn't discuss such subjects with me and likewise my father. He told me once when I was almost 15 that I'm a smart girl and would handle myself. I smiled, it was the least I could do. I wanted to talk to my parents about sexual health of women, about my body, about the guy I had a crush on, about the guy who told me that if I loved him then I should have sex with him. I wanted to understand what it felt like to love a guy, to know when a person really loves you or cares for you. I wanted to ask my mum about the effects of party drugs and tell her that most of my classmates take drugs at house parties and they claim it makes them feel good, I wanted my father to hug me and kiss me like he did when I was 9 because now I get dry hugs during festive seasons. I wanted my mum to look into my eyes and say that she loved me and that I'm the best child in the world even though I would like to know about my sexual health, that it was okay and I did the right thing by approaching her. I wanted to hear that I didn't have to give up my virginity to any guy who promises to love me or make me popular. I wanted to hear that I didn't need to because they loved me and their love was enough. I wanted to hear that sometimes people especially teens make mistakes but that it's part of a learning process because it's not about how you fall but how you get up. I wanted to tell my mum that I wanted to loose my virginity to Martin, a guy at school who said if I didn't then he would leave me for Angie because she's nicer and would be happy to have him. I wanted to confide in my mother and hear her words of wisdom not judgement and maybe I would have waited. I wanted to understand teen love, I wanted my mother to hug me tightly the night I gave up my virginity to Martin and how he asked if he could record it on his camera to make it special, I wanted to say no to him, to explain that I was confused and didn't really want to do it now but wait. I wanted to tell my mum all this and hope that she would still love me. But I remembered that look she gave me when I first attempted to be honest with her, it was enough to dissuade me from approaching her. Now all I do is tell my parents what they want to hear. As long as my grades are good, they're happy. I wanted to tell it all to my mum one evening when she found me in tears, I wanted to tell her that I had lost my virginity to a boy who I thought loved me. I wanted to tell her that he was upset that I refused for him to record it so he called me a slut afterwards and asked me to leave his house immediately. I wanted to tell her how disgusted I felt with myself. He said if I really loved him them I would do what he said. But I didn't tell my mum anything because once again she looked at me in that way, she asked if everything was alright and what she really meant was I hope you haven't had sex with anyone or did something dumb, so as always, I told her what she wanted to hear. I lied and she became affectionate, it seemed that my parents love was conditional, as long as I was pefect and pretended that I had no emotional concerns or love troubles then I was their perfect little golden girl. I wish I was, I wish I could be."

MaryAnn continues "I want my parents to love me all the time and say it, to be able to honestly listen to me and not judge me or condescend to me. I wish that I didn't have to wear a mask all the time at school and at home. I really wanted to be vulnerable with my parents but even at home, I have to put up a pretence. Sometimes it's hard for a single individual to put up with all the charades. I wish I didn't have to. All I want is for my parents to be on my side. I want them to hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay. Is that too much to ask?"

Many parents sometimes forget that their children are emotional beings and would need sufficient love and support at all times. Parenthood is more than a career, it's a lifestlye with a legal and moral responsibility. Children should get unconditional love from their parents because they didn't ask to be here. Parents choose to have children and once their here on earth it is a parent's full responsibility to provide guidance, unconditional love, ample knowledge and care for their children. It's not like a shopping mall when you return an item you don't like. With children, the unconditional love is necessary. This includes telling them when their grades are less than stellar that you understand that the transition between ages can be a little bit worrisome but that they have you to lean on. That they should know that they can count on you to listen to them to love them unconditionally and help them deal with life's challenges even when it's bullying at school, peer pressure to do drugs, have underage sex, join gangs e.t.c that you're on their side as a parent. Talk to your children about the reality of being a teenager. Study shows that children who get positive reinforcements from their parents and their homes have incrementally improved grades.

Parents should note that 4 in 10 teens between the age of 12-16 are probably having sexual relations within or outside school premises and it's advisable that parents teach their children about protection. More study shows that 78% of teens abstain from drugs and early sexual practices when they have a loving and supportive family where relationships are built on trust, love and support. Some parents I spoke to explained that they were often tired after work and they are overwhelmed with household responsibility that there's little time for parent and child communication. Well letting your children know that life is tough for you as a parent does help them realise that you're also human and also builds empathy. When you're tired as a parent, take your child in your arms and just hug them (the teens interviewed said they would love this form of affection than noting at all). Stay in the hug for atleast ten seconds. Tell them that you're exhausted and won't be able to talk for that day but don't put it off too long. It's just part of life but show them that you're there for them by just hugging them and kissing them. Your presence means more to them than you can imagine.

Almost all of the teens I spoke to just wanted to be hugged and kissed. They wanted to hear that they are loved very much after experiencing the bullying at school, the self-esteem concerns that they are having, the pressure to do certain things they would normally never consider. They just want to know that you- their parent(s)is on their side. Even when their grades aren't great remind them of how intelligent they are, don't criticize them by calling them dumb and irresponsible. When they make an effort reward them with recognition. When they make decisions that hurt you and you loose your temper or cool and say things you don't mean, apologize to them by letting them know you were angry, scared or nervous and that they are the best gift in the world and they deserve the best including making decisions that would make them better people, decisions that would improve the quality of their life.

Let them know that they are capable of doing better while appreciating what's been done already. When your child knows that he/she can be honest with you, it's all they really require. When they tell you they've made a mistake, tell them that they have a chance to correct the situation by making sure it doesn't happen again. If you have to punish them, hug them, look them in the eye and say I love you honey but you broke the rule so you'll have to be grounded. Do your best as a parent not to give them that dirty look as no child deserves it especially your bundle of joy, your treasure, your beautiful child.

Parents remember that your children are as fragile and vulnerable as you even when they put up a facade of strength. Let them know it's okay to cry, it's okay to be confused and sometimes may meet unbecoming circumstances at school. That life as a teenager can also be as difficult but the most important thing is reminding them that you'll be there to listen, support, guide, assist love and cherish them. That you're on their side and they're the best thing in the world. Finally never stop hugging and kissing your child, if you've stopped then it might be time to start once again and solidify your relationship with your precious children as you wouldn't want to loose them. Think of the many who go astray everyday and never experience redemption. No child is too old for a hug and kiss even when they are in their twenties, thirties or even fourties. Who says loving and parenting can't be easy? We've just got to put our best foot forward and get the help we all need.